Meet My Mother

My mother is this 5-foot-2 woman with a firecracker personality. If you’ve spent five minutes with her, she probably has talked to you about the Blessed Virgin Mary or a gluten free diet (I advise not being on the other side of that one ;)).

For as long as I can remember, she’s been going to daily Mass wherever we are. Any day she can’t make it, she gets visibly irritated and if I’m honest, a little cranky. When I ask her why she gets so upset, she says it’s because she hungers for Jesus. Those days she doesn’t receive Him she doesn’t fulfill that need.

My mother’s immense desire to receive Jesus in the Eucharist has always intrigued and inspired me. When I was younger, it baffled me. However, as I got older and grew in my faith, I wanted to feel the same way she does about Jesus. I wanted to know what it feels like to physically want Jesus that badly.

This “spiritual hunger,” desire, or whatever you want to call it has been a topic in my prayer for the past few years and is something that sincerely bothered me until recently.

A Revelation

I used to think that I wasn’t holy enough or that something was wrong with me for not having the same desire for Jesus that my mom does. While I love Jesus and know I should try to go to daily Mass as much as possible, I wouldn’t necessarily call it a “desire” or “need” like my mom would.

I go to Mass because I know it’s what I should be doing. I know it’s the truth and is going to make me into the person God wants me to be. But there are definitely a lot of times when I really don’t want to go to daily Mass, pray, or sit in adoration for an hour.

I realize that I don’t love Jesus the way that He deserves, and it hurts me that I don’t. But I want to love Him better. I see how much my mom longs to receive Jesus in the Eucharist, and I want that. But I have come to realize that her “desire” is a grace given by God, and He has not yet blessed me with this grace.

The encouraging part is that I’ve recognized that there can be great grace in my struggle. My mom and others like her have been given a special grace. Jesus has blessed them with the desire to want Him and the ability to love Him easier. But He doesn’t give that grace to everyone.

While I’m not saying I’ll never be given that grace, I’ve realized that it’s okay if I don’t feel the way that my mom does about the Eucharist.

In fact, some could say that it means MORE to Jesus for someone who doesn’t feel that strong desire to spend time with Him at daily Mass, receive Him in the Most Holy Eucharist, talk to Him in prayer, or just make time for Him.

When we do things without expecting a positive emotion or feeling, it shows how much we truly love Christ. Because in the end, love is not in the feelings but in the will. It’s a choice. By forcing myself to go to daily Mass on a day I really don’t want to, or by saying a rosary before bed when I really would be rather sleeping already, I make a huge offering of love to Jesus.

It shows where our hearts are when we do things regardless of our feelings.

It is when I came to this realization that I understood that there is grace in my struggle. If I try hard my whole life and continue to struggle to feel anything, that’s okay. As long as I keep striving.

Lessons from Momma T

Saint Mother Teresa is a perfect example of having grace in the struggle. For over half of her life (around 50 years), she had a “darkness of the soul” where she felt nothing. She didn’t feel God’s love or His presence, and she had her doubts.

In one of her letters to her spiritual directors she wrote, “When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts retun like sharp knives and hurt my very soul. Love brings nothing. I am told God loves me and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.”

Wow.

If we reflect on that for just a moment we realize that Mother Theresa was truly in spiritual desolation. Yet, how did she respond? She kept loving, kept serving, kept glorifying God with everything she did. She kept loving Christ with all of her being. And that’s what we need to do.

Father Brian Kolodiejchuck, a Missionaries of Charity priest that wrote a book about Mother Theresa, once said,

“As important as it is to feel love, in the end, love is not in the feelings. It is in the will; in what I do, how I act, and what I choose.”

Mother Teresa and her response to suffering and spiritual darkness teaches us what love is. Whether it’s in our relationships with other people in our lives, or with Christ, our love should not be conditional. It should not be dependent on whether we feel a certain way. In contrast, our love should be unconditional. No matter how we feel or how people treat us, we should always choose to love Christ and those around us.

Our Response

Now maybe you’re one of the lucky ones like my mom who God has blessed with tremendous graces and you feel God’s love all around you (and if so praise Jesus for that gift!).

Or maybe you’re like me.

Maybe you struggle most days to drag your butt to daily Mass, or spend quiet time with Jesus, but you keep trying.

Maybe you keep giving your heart in prayer, but don’t feel a thing.

Maybe you don’t have that hunger or strong desire to receive Jesus in the Eucharist.

And if so, don’t be discouraged. For God has given you the opportunity to give of yourself even more, and love Him in a way that hurts.

He wants our love, so how far are we willing to go? How much are we willing to step outside of emotions, and love Christ regardless of our desires?

Those days when we force ourselves to act, those are grace-filled days. So praise be to Jesus for our struggle!

From the depths of my soul, 

Josie