WHAT IS GOD THROWING YOUR WAY?
In September 2015, I married the love of my life, Jonathan. Two days later, I moved across the country, away from the Florida town I had called home for the last twenty years to beautiful San Diego, California. My husband was starting school at John Paul the Great Catholic University one week after our wedding. Talk about a whirlwind!
God had even more change in store—a year later, I gave birth to our beautiful daughter, Lucia. People say you don’t know how much you can love someone until you have a child, and that is one hundred percent true. Holding Lucia for the first time, I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest! At that moment, I had a tiny glimpse (very tiny) of the love God has for each one of us.
I couldn’t wait to bring her home and start our journey as a family. But what I wasn’t expecting were the crosses that came along with the joys of motherhood.
UNEXPECTED CROSSES
As days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, I started to feel lonely. My husband was a full-time student and worked part time in order to provide for our family. We only had one car and lived in a tiny one-bedroom apartment. Lucia and I were often home alone as Jonathan was usually busy with school, homework, projects, and work. Each day, I felt more lonely than the day before, but I couldn’t figure out why.
“How can I be lonely if I am living my dream of being a wife and mother?”
There would be moments when the loneliness would go away, especially after my husband was home or after play dates with my friends whose children were the same age. A short while later, however, it would come back with a vengeance. I thought something was wrong with me. No one told me that motherhood could be lonely.
“Why am I experiencing this when I am incredibly blessed with a beautiful, healthy daughter and a husband who loves me? What can I do to ‘fix’ this feeling? Maybe I just need some time away… a Mom’s night out!”
I grasped at anything I could to ‘fix’ the problem.
TRUTH HURTS
One day as I was explaining my internal struggles to Jonathan, he sympathized with me and acknowledged what I was experiencing. However, what came out of his mouth next was not what I was expecting and definitely not what I wanted to hear at the time.
“Nicol, I realize this situation (one car, me being gone most of the day, one bedroom apartment, and no family around) is not ideal and it sucks, but don’t be a victim to your circumstance. You are in a prime place where you can use the time to grow spiritually, teach Lucia, and work on being the woman God has called you to be, who I know you can be.”
Ouch! That was hard to hear, but as I meditated on what he said during prayer, I realized he was right. Loneliness and my less-than-ideal situation were crosses God was asking me to carry.
I realized that wanting to have a mom’s night out, date night, play dates, or time by myself were merely tools for me to escape my loneliness. It’s not wrong to want those things (there is certainly a time and purpose for them), but I really had to question my intentions. If I’m running to those things to find momentary gratification and not facing my loneliness, then I will always be running and the feeling of loneliness will always be present. In that season of life, God was asking me to cling to the cross and lean into Him even more.
I am naturally an extremely extroverted person. I love to be in community, and I thrive in social situations. Looking back on that season of life, I now see that loneliness was God’s perfectly tailored cross for me. It was the only way to free me from my dependence on social interaction. True joy comes from Him and Him alone. What a beautiful, unexpected cross!
PRESENT DAY
We are no longer in the one-bedroom apartment where I faced the toughest season of my spiritual life, but I praise God for the cross He gave me then. By His grace, I changed my perspective and looked at the opportunity to grow in virtue, work on being the best wife and mother I could be (regardless of the circumstance), and grow in my relationship with Christ and Our Blessed Mother. Looking back, I see how God was preparing me for where He has me and my family today.
Jonathan was recently blessed with a new job which allowed us to move out of our little apartment into a spacious townhome. When we gave birth to our second child, Maccabee, in December 2018, I realized the perfectly-timed blessing of a new job and home was just another sign of God’s providence. He always knows what we need far more than we do.
We thank God every day for what He has given us. It’s still not easy to get out and see our friends, and I am not able to socialize as much as I would like. That’s okay though because my perspective has changed. When the feeling of loneliness creeps in, I quickly lean into our Lord and Our Lady. I’m incredibly thankful for the relationship I have with Our Blessed Mother. She has led me closer to her Son and has helped me in my daily duties as a wife and mother.
LEAN IN
Are you experiencing any unexpected crosses in your life right now? Maybe you are being ostracized from your friends or family for your faith and unwillingness to bend from the Truth. Maybe God has closed doors that you thought were supposed to remain open. Maybe He is asking you to reconsider a relationship you are in.
These crosses may be unexpected to you, but not to God. So what do you do with them? The answer is to always lean on the Lord more. Don’t run away and look for escape. Embrace the cross. It was tailor-made for you; designed specifically so you’ll have to rely on Him to carry it.
Joyfully Through Christ,
Nicol
ABOUT NICOL:
Nicol Sperling is the Assistant Director of Campus Ministry-Women’s Ministry for John Paul the Great Catholic University in California. Most importantly she is a wife to Jonathan and a mother to two beautiful children. She enjoys sipping on a good cup of coffee and being active outside with her family.
RESOURCES
Searching For and Maintaining Peace- A Small Treatise on Peace of Heart
