KEEPING AN ETERNAL PERSPECTIVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
I think we can all agree that we want to love and be loved. But sometimes, this desire is so strong it seems easier to give up what we know is right and good to earn another person’s affection and attention.
As ironic as it may sound, I’ve discovered that any attempt I’ve made in the past to gain or win love has never fulfilled my heart.
I continued to search restlessly until I discovered that what I seek isn’t in this world. The real desire of my heart is communion with the Triune God. The Catechism of the Catholic Church confirms this in the very first paragraph.
“God, infinitely perfect and blessed in himself, in a plan of sheer goodness freely created man to make him share in his own blessed life.”
Our faith reveals we were made for Heaven. Therefore, our relationships on this earth should be a foretaste of that freedom and joy. They should point us toward our eternal home! This view of Heaven should pervade our lives.
I’m no relationship expert, but this week I want to encourage you by sharing some tips that have helped me remember my eternal vocation in my own experiences of dating. This isn’t a post about the kinds of dates that will be most fun (although, you should have fun!). It’s about the things that aren’t as easy to talk about, but will keep your relationship centered on Christ. I’ve learned that in Christ there is true freedom to have fun, be joyful, and be in love.
Real love is being able to say with St. John Bosco,
“My only desire is to see you happy in this life and in eternity.”
#1: ROOT YOURSELVES IN CHRIST
Striving for Heaven is hard. It’s not easy or convenient. It asks you to give up everything, pick up your cross and follow Jesus to Calvary. Jesus Himself says,
“For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.”
Matthew 19:26
Prayer is essential and indispensable. In prayer, you draw from the wellspring of God’s grace to gain the courage and strength to live for Heaven.
In a relationship, it’s important to remember to pray together and separately for each other and your relationship. Don’t give up your personal time with Jesus, but also make time to pray together. This doesn’t always come up naturally, so don’t expect it to. Take the initiative to root yourselves in Christ.
For my fiancé, Luke, and I, that looks like saying a prayer to the patron saint we chose together every day in our own personal prayer time. We ask each other how our prayer lives are going. We’re long distance, so we’ll try to pray the rosary together in the morning while Luke drives to work and visit the Adoration chapel whenever we’re together.
This will look different for every couple, but nonetheless, prayer should be central.
#2: SHARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Fact: no one can read your mind. So help each other out! Share your expectations, goals, and boundaries with each other – always keeping your view on Heaven.
Talk about how you best communicate and your love languages. If it’s important for you to have designated date nights, say it. If you’re long distance and want to check in every day by phone call, say it. If it’s important to you for your significant other to spend time with your family, say it. Don’t assume they know everything on your heart, and work together to create a common set of expectations, goals, and boundaries.
Now, this isn’t a post on chastity, but I do want to say this: physical boundaries are incredibly important and, NOTHING GOES WITHOUT SAYING. Be clear and remember that no moment is worth sacrificing your eternal home.
I know this can be awkward, but embrace it. Giggle if you must (let’s be real, I do whenever I feel awkward), but be open to learning and understanding the other person. It will teach you how to have hard conversations. These will be foundation stones for your relationship – so be honest and clear.
The day Luke asked me to be his girlfriend, he suggested we share our expectations and boundaries with each other. From day one, I knew we were on the same page. No questions. No games. No wondering.
Luke and I have gone back to this conversation time and time again. When our schedules went whacky or we switched to long distance, we were able to come back and reset, reevaluate, and work together to always be on the same page. When we mess up (we’re human, so we do), we can gently remind each other of our expectations. We’ll remind each other, “Hey, I want you to get to Heaven.”
No questions. No games. No wondering.
#3: THE GOOD OF THE OTHER
“To love is to will the good of the other.”
St. Thomas Aquinas
No conditions and no stipulations. It’s not willing the good of the other when it’s easy or convenient. Not only when you feel like it. Not only when you can get something out of it. Real love is wanting good for someone else.
Keep yourself in check and ask: Will this bring my significant other to Heaven? Am I helping this person grow in holiness? Am I more concerned about their good or how they make me feel?
Our love on this earth should reflect God’s love. He died on a cross so you could enter into eternal communion with Him. That is the kind of love to which we are called. Real love looks outside of itself to the good, dignity, and true joy of the other.
#4: HE WON’T FULFILL YOUR HEART
There is a desire for God written on each and every one of our hearts because we were made for communion with Him (see CCC quote above). We might fill it with other things or people (even good things and people!), but ultimately, only God can fulfill the deepest longings of our heart.
So, let me say this loud and clear: your significant other will NOT fulfill your heart. He (she) can’t – they weren’t made to.
Look back to Genesis 2, when God created Eve. He knew that it was not good for Adam to be alone, so He created a “suitable helper” for him (cf. Genesis 2:18). We were made for communion (not to be alone). We were made as complements (suitable) and to care for and serve one another (helper). But it says nothing about fulfilling each other.
This is good news.
When those days of frustration, doubt, and hurt come along, it doesn’t mean your relationship is bad. It means you’re both human. Give each other grace for your imperfections, while encouraging each other in growth. Remind each other of your ultimate home in Heaven and your desire for them to get there.
#5: JOY
When I was a little girl, I (ever the romantic) always imagined that if the man I loved proposed to me, I would cry. I’ll cry over a good commercial or Disney movies and yet, when Luke got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife on December 20, 2018, I laughed.
If you asked me why within that first week of engagement, I would’ve said it was because I wasn’t expecting him to propose that day and was surprised. That still holds true, I was surprised. However, above all, I think I laughed because I was (and am) certain that I can entrust the rest of my life to Luke’s care. I laughed because I can look back on our entire relationship and confidently entrust my sainthood to Luke’s love – and a grin just won’t cut it for that kind of joy.
From my heart to yours,
Samantha
