My Identity Struggles

I remember the day when I knew I wanted to be a professional tennis player one day. I was 11. I was hitting at the courts when I went inside for a minute and saw Wimbledon on TV. A pretty, tall, blonde girl was playing, and I thought to myself, “I want to do that.”

Every day since then, I have worked toward my dream. I made sacrifices, trained for hours a day, and traveled to tournament after tournament every year. I gave up normal high school and friends for homeschooling and extra practice hours. My dream of playing professional tennis was so important to me that I didn’t want to leave anything on the table. My heart and soul went into everything I did.

While I constantly aspired to play professional tennis, my family and faith kept me grounded. Since I began playing competitive tennis, my dad would tell me constantly,

“Now MJ, remember why you are playing the game– to glorify God. That is the most important thing, so if you ever start playing for any other reason, I want you to stop.”

That simple, but profound statement by my father really stuck with me.

However, while I firmly believed that I was playing for Christ, the importance of tennis in my life and the pressure I put on myself to win told me otherwise.

While I knew I played to glorify God, I wondered why tennis felt like everything to me. Why did I cry after every match I lost? Why was I miserable inside when I went through periods where I wasn’t playing well? Why did winning make me think of myself more highly and losing made me sink into a hole? It just didn’t feel right.

It wasn’t until my sophomore year in college that I made a startling realization that completely changed my relationship with the sport I fell in love with.

Convicted by Truth

My sophomore year at UF, I remember having a conversation with my boyfriend at the time that really made me reevaluate my priorities. I was going through a rough patch with tennis and wasn’t playing well. I was unhappy and tired of feeling bad when I knew tennis was just a sport. I knew I shouldn’t feel that way.

He asked me a simple question that changed everything:

“Well, where is your identity?”

I responded almost mechanically, “In Christ of course.”

He didn’t argue with me, but looked at me with a kind of ‘oh really’ look on his face that convicted me.

His reaction made me truly ponder in my heart my priorities. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that while I was playing for Christ and truly believed my identity was in Christ, He was having to share some of the spotlight with tennis. And that was totally wrong.

I didn’t want to identify myself by my tennis accomplishments or talents, which I knew were fleeting and would come and go. Rather, I wanted to identify myself as a Christian, as a daughter of Christ who is loved beyond comprehension no matter what. I knew that was lasting and would never go away. Christ shouldn’t have to share my heart with temporary and worldly things. He deserved everything.

Once I made this realization, I noticed that I was much happier, not just when I was playing well, but even when I was playing badly. While I’m still the most competitive person I know and still get frustrated when I lose, I try not to let my results take away from the joy that Christ gives me. I remind myself that I am more than my tennis accomplishments and talents. Tennis is just a part of me, not all of me. I am a daughter of Christ, and if His will was for me to lose that day, then so be it.

Rooted in Christ

While you may not relate to my personal story, I know that I am not alone in my identity struggles. While you may not be a competitive athlete like me, you still have other things that are important to your life that are competing for center stage.

Former contestant on America’s Next Top Model, Leah Darrow, struggled for years with placing her identity in worldly beauty and romantic relationships. In her book, “The Other Side of Beauty,” she reflects on her identity struggles in order to inspire other women to seek true beauty in Christ.

Through her experiences, Leah realized that nothing of this world would satisfy her deep longing to feel loved. She didn’t find the love and acceptance she was searching for until she rooted herself in Christ.

“Our relationships with others can’t be the source of our identity and worth; they will never be able to shoulder the weight for us,” Leah writes. “Instead, we must find worth and acceptance in God alone, whose love is not predicated on what we can offer him or how attractive we are.”

No matter what we do, how we look, how we feel, what we have done, Jesus loves us.

Just let that sink in.

Your Turn

I think that sometimes we lose sight of who we are, so I just want to bring us back to basics. So I ask you:  Where does your identity lie?

Be honest with yourself. For me, my identity crisis was in tennis. For Leah Darrow it was in worldly beauty. But for you, it could be your job, a romantic relationship, money, status, power, etc. Whatever it is competing for the center of your life, don’t let it. It won’t bring you true joy. Trust me.

Maybe you’ve experienced it before and know what I’m talking about. Or maybe you’re in what I call “the hole of misery” now. If you are, you might be wondering how to get out.

For me, it helped to just keep reminding myself of who I am. Maybe set a reminder on your phone or make it your background. Find what works for you. The more you repeat something, the more you will start believing it and understand it in your heart.

Whatever reminder you choose, just remember who you are…

You are a daughter/son of a God that literally died because He loves you so much. And He will never stop loving you and pursuing you. THAT is who you are.

From the depths of my soul to yours, 

Josie