A few months ago, I was eating breakfast and mentally preparing for the day ahead of me. As I attempted to read the Magnificat’s daily readings and offer my day to the Lord, I suddenly felt overwhelmed.
I had spent the day before caring for my sick husband (who was still sick in bed), but now it was time for me to go to work. My schedule started rushing through my head and the realization of how much I had to do in the next several months (and how much more I needed to add to my list) began to steal my peace. My morning prayer time was supposed to be relaxing, but I was unable to focus on Scripture or anything else besides the long to-do list looming in my future.
The list kept growing in my head, and worry washed over me. If this was my start to the morning, it was going to be a long day.
RESET—TRY AGAIN
I arrived at my nannying job, laid the baby down for a nap, and decided it was time to try prayer again. This time, I attempted a different route—the Examen prayer. It had been a while since I had prayed this type of prayer, so I decided to open an app to guide me in examining my heart. The theme for the prayer that day was freedom. The app prompted me to reflect on what had caused me to lose my sense of freedom and sit with God in that moment to see where He was.
Naturally, my mind went back to the breakfast table that morning, so I prayed with it. I invited God into that moment of anxiety and asked Him to speak Truth into my heart. His response echoed clearly in my soul:
“Why aren’t you letting me into your work? I called you to this new mission. I am with you. Apart from me, you can do nothing.”
THEN VS. NOW
I used to be a full-time missionary who went to daily Mass, prayed for an hour each day, and spent each work day talking about Jesus. It was so easy to actively surrender my work to the Lord during my years on mission.
Now, a year out of full-time mission, I find myself still struggling with consistent prayer and my ability to surrender. I try different variations of prayer and mix up the time of day I pray—attempting to find what “clicks.” Through it all, I constantly battle the temptation to be mad at myself for not being able to pray like I could when I was a missionary.
But the truth Jesus spoke to my heart on that very normal day was this: my mission has changed, and that’s okay.
PATIENCE IN THE NEW MISSION
God is constantly calling us into deeper relationship with Him and with that, into new mission fields. I’m now married, caring for a baby full-time, and teaching people about their fertility after a long day of work. I can’t make a daily holy hour, struggle to find new ways to talk to my Heavenly Father, and can only attend daily Mass a few days a week. And that’s okay.
Some days, prayer happens beautifully, while other days it’s just difficult to concentrate. There are days where I feel so in unison with my Heavenly Father I can smile through the hardships, while others I feel so weighed down by the burdens of this earthly life that I just want to collapse and hide from everyone—including Him.
“REMAIN IN ME”
In these moments of wanting to disappear from the realities of a chaotic life, my Heavenly Father reminds me of how He is calling me into the depths of His heart through this new mission. He says, “Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit, because without me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)
My mission field is entirely different now than it was when I was a full-time missionary. But that doesn’t change the reality that I can do nothing without Him Who loves me and gives me life—He who created me out of pure love because He desires me.
If you are currently engulfed in the deep trenches of a busy schedule and chaotic life, remember there is nothing you can do to make Him not love you. If you are feeling overwhelmed, remind yourself that apart from Him, you can do nothing. He loves you. He desires you. He knows the depths of your heart. And He longs to sit in the chaos WITH you—to remind you that you are not alone and you are loved.
Rest in that, my friends. And remain in Him.
All my love,
