I can tell you every detail from that morning: the tears my mom didn’t bother trying to wipe away, the strength in my dad’s arms as he hugged me, and the exact spot in the kitchen where I was standing when my mom told me my friend Heath had been killed in a car accident.
On the first day at my new school, alone and with no friends, Heath had been the first one to say “hi” to me. Heath had been the first person I could call my friend in a place that made me feel lonely and afraid. He was only 13—and he was dead.
When the Pain Doesn’t Go Away
That was 14 years ago. It was the worst trauma of my life and I’m still not “over it.” That’s the thing about the wounds we collect throughout our lives: They never really go away, not fully.
Just like a scar from surgery can fade but never fully disappear, the spiritual and emotional battle wounds we suffer will always be a part of us. Trauma, loss, pain, and grief leave their mark on us, and that mark never completely goes away. But that’s okay. I know because Jesus Himself grieved and showed us it’s okay to feel pain from our losses…
“Then Mary, when she came where Jesus was and saw him, fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled; and he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept.” John 11:32-35
When the Healing Begins
God created us to be relational beings, to learn and grow from our experiences with other humans. If we forget all the emotional scrapes and bruises we’ve collected in our encounters with other flawed and broken people, our lives and our growth would become stagnant.
Grief counselors, sometimes called “bereavement” counselors, do not try to help someone forget their pain or “move on” from a loss. Rather, the role of a counselor is to aid the client in learning to live with the grief.
People mourning a loved one face constant triggers—places or experiences that remind them of the person lost—which bring the pain back to the surface. The torment can hit hard in those moments, making life next to impossible some days. Maybe it subsides and life goes back to normal for a while, but sooner or later, the painful memories return. Once again, there’s a choice to be made: Do you accept the pain for what it is and strive to keep going through it? Or do you let it have power over you and decide how you’ll spend your life?
That’s not an easy choice to make, and it’s especially hard in the days and weeks following a loss or traumatic event. Those who choose to keep moving through the pain each time it comes back don’t let the suffering ruin their life. The pain will heal. The memory of it may never fully go away, and the scar may stick around forever, but that anguish won’t have power over you anymore. And then, when you’re in a place where the Lord can work in you, you can act and create something beautiful with that pain.
“Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb; it was a cave, and a stone lay upon it. Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” John 11:38-39
When Healing Comes
There is no objective measure of when a person is “healed” other than to look at how well someone functions after experiencing loss. If the pain of trauma still affects someone in their daily lives, then there is still healing that needs to be done.
After my friend Heath died, I was a proverbial wreck for about a week, and to this day, I still grieve for him. I pray for him every day, and I offer every Mass for him along with the family and friends I have lost. I’ll pray for him until the day I die, and every time I do, I’ll think about him.
Some days I smile at the memory of Heath dominating on the basketball court at recess (he was quite an athlete), and some days I cry for the loss of a life that had barely started. The pain, however, doesn’t define me or control me. It doesn’t get to decide how I feel each day, nor does it keep me from getting into a car for fear that I’ll die the same way Heath did.
Is the pain a part of me? Absolutely. But it’s only that—a part of me…a part that has led me into my current career path of mental health counseling. I don’t want other people to suffer alone through trauma like I went through. I’ve let my pain inspire me to help others, rather than let it chain me to misery. God has brought so much good from my suffering—and I see now that’s what healing truly is.
Will You Let a Miracle Happen?
“When he had said this, he cried with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” The dead man came out, his hands and feet bound with bandages, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.” John 11:43-44
Jesus brought about a miracle through the death of Lazarus, and in that miracle, He strengthened the faith of everyone who witnessed it. Pain or trauma is never a good thing, but Jesus shows us He can make good come from our sufferings. He can transform our agony into a miracle of life and faith—if only we are receptive, open, and persevere through the pain.
Will you let a miracle happen in your heart?
About Drew:
Born and raised in the great Mitten State of Michigan, Drew Decker is a graduate student at Florida State University pursuing a master’s degree in clinical social work. Prior to graduate school, Drew served as a FOCUS missionary for two years at the University of Florida, where he met his wife, Natalia, and discovered his passion for helping those struggling with mental health issues in the Church.
