Fall is one of my favorite times of the year. From the foliage and pumpkins, to hilarious social media memes—I love it all. The start of October means fall is finally beginning for us Floridians. But even with my excitement around this season, I recently learned something new about the month of October.
On October 15, 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. He said, “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.” (Source)
According to the American Pregnancy Association, 10-25% of pregnancies will end in miscarriage. You may have also heard the statistic of 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. This means it is way more common than we realize—I’d be willing to say the majority of people reading this post has been impacted whether directly or indirectly by a pregnancy loss.
So why is miscarriage such a taboo topic in today’s society? No one talks about it and few know how to help someone in the midst of it. “Oh, well, at least you know you can conceive so you’ll be able to try again,” are not quite comforting words for parents who have just lost their child to miscarriage. And telling them to just not tell anyone does not set them free either.
It’s awkward to address in general—both for the parents experiencing the loss and the people trying their hardest to help them cope. So the mindset becomes, “Let’s just pretend it didn’t happen so we don’t have to be uncomfortable.”
Sticking to the status quo is not quite what we like to do around here—so today I want to open the conversation to get to the depths of what pregnancy or infant loss can entail and how you—single, married, or engaged friends—can (and should) be a source of comfort and love for your brothers and sisters who have experienced it.
MY EXPERIENCE
I share all of this because I have been there. In January, my husband and I lost our first baby to a miscarriage. We only knew about her for two days before losing her. Yet, the grief we felt was incredibly deep. And honestly, we were at a loss for what to do. How do you begin telling people you miscarried when they had no clue you were pregnant in the first place?
We felt very isolated in our suffering— as if no one would understand what we were experiencing. How do we move on? We have never once forgotten about our little babe in Heaven, but with the help of Jesus, our relationship, and a few good friends and family, we have been able to come to a place of peace with our loss. Trusting in God’s Providence and thanking Him for the beautiful, short-lived life of our little girl who taught us how to love with new parts of our hearts.
It has been on my heart for months to share about our experience. So in the midst of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, I want to offer encouragement and hope.
HOW TO ENCOURAGE A GRIEVING FRIEND
For those of you reading this who feel like it doesn’t relate to you—bear with me. One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, so I would be willing to bet you know of someone who has experienced the loss of their baby. You might feel like you can’t help the people you love who are suffering from a devastating loss, but I beg to differ. Here are some suggestions:
1. First and foremost, pray for them. Don’t only say, “I will pray for you” and walk away. But take a second to sit down with them and pray out loud with them. Even if it’s uncomfortable, it’s a meaningful gesture, no matter how short or simple the prayer.
2. Lend your ears and heart. If someone shares this news with you, don’t be afraid to just sit and listen to them spill their heart out in grief. What a beautiful opportunity you have to love this person right where they are! Keep checking in on them as the months go by so they know they are still loved in the midst of their suffering, and they are not alone. (And don’t forget to ask how the father is doing too!)
3. Lastly, acknowledge the life of their baby. Maybe you could start a meal train to help them out. Or you could send them a card on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, acknowledging their parenthood. Or even offer a Mass intention for their little one. Whatever you choose, allow the parents to know their baby is real and their loss is real—and that it is okay to grieve.
FOR THE PARENTS GRIEVING
For those of you who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss—my heart is with you. It is such a heavy cross to bear. But remember, with every cross, there is the promise of the Resurrection. Here are some helpful reminders:
1. Remember, you are never alone. Not only has God not abandoned you—even if it feels like He has—but He has also given you the gift of loving family and friends. Don’t be afraid to lean into them. If it’s uncomfortable, give yourself time and know that it is so freeing when you share your crosses.
2. Secondly, allow yourself the space to grieve. Everyone experiences grief differently. The mother of the child will grieve differently than the father will. Nonetheless, it is part of the healing process. Give yourself time and space. If that means seeing a counselor or spiritual director to help through the process, do it. Take care of yourself.
3. Finally, honor your baby’s life. One of the best ways we found to do this was by naming our baby—and we still talk about her by name. Another way is to ask your parish priest for a blessing. There is a blessing for parents after miscarriage or stillborn in the USCCB Book of Blessings. Or even if the priest would be willing to offer a Mass for your baby or a little funeral service—the possibilities of honoring your baby’s life are endless, and they will help you find hope in the grief.
This month, I challenge you to overcome the awkwardness and help pregnancy and infant loss become less taboo. You never know who you might impact by making the awareness known!
All my love,
