“Jesus, I trust in you.”
Such simple words, yet if said with true intent they can transform any situation or trial we face.
It wasn’t until I began to say these five words regularly that I realized the comfort they provide and the peace they bring.
Each of us faces trials and struggles during our lives, but I think it’s ironic that Jesus is often silent during these times. This silence can make the weight of our crosses feel that much heavier, as if we’re carrying them all alone. This feeling can cause many to doubt and lose trust, to stop praying, and even turn their backs on their faith.
And I had the same temptation. However, it was only through preserving during one of the biggest trials of my life that I was able to learn to truly trust Jesus with everything, even when all I heard was crickets.
Jesus Are You There?
During the spring semester of my sophomore year of college, I went through one of the most difficult times in my life. I had overcommitted myself in ministry, school, work, and volunteering; I constantly felt overwhelmed with my impending future; and close friendships went through ups and downs. Nevertheless, the main reason spring semester was so hard was because I felt so far from God. 
I was going to daily mass, adoration, and confession frequently, but I still didn’t feel close to Him. During what was an already overwhelming semester, God chose to respond to my prayers and pleas in silence. This silence made me feel as though my prayers were unheard.
The silence in my time of despair led me to two choices. I could, like St. Peter, step out of the boat with very little trust in Jesus only to find myself doubting and falling into the waves. Or I could step out of the boat, the boat of comfort, certainty and control, and completely trust that Jesus wouldn’t allow me to fall into the waves, that He had control.
The solution seemed simple. I needed to trust that Jesus would allow me to walk on the water to Him. Trust that He had my best interests and each cross He gave me was shaping me into the woman He created me to be. Trust that He would fulfill my heart’s desires and ultimately lead me to Heaven.
I knew what I needed to do so it should have been be easy, right?
If only…
Searching in the Silence
To have that amount of great trust in Jesus is far easier said than done.
I woke up every day recommitting to trusting in Jesus, in the plan. I told myself He would be waiting for me outside the boat, outside my control. Some days I could find Him in the little things. Those were the easy days. Then other days were incredibly hard. I would sit in church struggling to utter anything, even those five simple words of “Jesus I trust in You”.
In an effort to hear something, anything but the deafening silence, I dug deeper. I started a book entitled “I Believe in Love,” a personal retreat based on the teachings of St. Therese of Lisieux (highly recommend… click here to read more).
It was in that book where I found a passage that changed my perspective completely.
It said, “This is what Jesus is like with those who love Him. He does not grant the first prayer; He permits a greater trial. And we become distressed and say: ‘I have prayed, and prayed, and I have not been heard. All is lost; all is finished. God does not listen to me. He does not love me.’ Because God loves you, He wants to see how far you will push your confidence. He wants to be able to say to you… ‘How great is your faith!'”
And permit a greater trial He did.
A Heavier Cross
Halfway through the roller coaster semester I was already having, I slipped down the stairs in my dorm and fractured my right fibula (aka I broke my leg). This left me with a half-casted leg and on crutches for the remaining weeks of classes.
However, it was in this greater trial that my confidence, faith, and trust in Jesus was pushed further than ever before. Instead of waking up every day and saying “What did I do to deserve this?” or “Why are you punishing me?”, I began to accept my current trials and looked into the ways God was helping me grow.
The night the accident happened, I wrote a list of ways I thought God was going to teach me through this cross. I realized I would have to learn to be patient with myself and others, to ask for help when I needed it, and actually allow myself to be more dependent on others, and most importantly on God.
The following weeks humbled me as I witnessed the service of my friends. Each offered to help me in various ways, from cooking me dinner and helping me wash my hair in the sink, to buying me lunch or simply carrying my backpack to and from class. I stopped and thought about how even though He remained silent, Jesus was loving me so well through them.
My greater trial in the midst of the silence from God only increased my confidence and trust in Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, I whined and complained quite a bit. I pushed friends away because of my own frustrations. I struggled to allow others to care for me, and I was completely empty and exhausted.
Yet time and time again I reminded myself that because God did and does love me, He wanted to see how far He could push me. And I think that’s something we can all remember during our times of intense suffering and pain.
[ctt template=”5″ link=”K4AWt” via=”no” ]”Because God did and does love us, sometimes He wants to see how far He can push us to increase our trust in Him. Something to remember during times of intense pain and suffering.” #beautifuldepths #soulstory [/ctt]
The Aftermath
Now looking back a year later, I see the fruit from all the silence, suffering, and despair. I can see how much those months played a role in preparing me for what was to come and what is to come. By having my confidence and trust pushed for months on end, I now have an underlying unwavering peace knowing that I can trust in God’s plan. I now know I can trust in His perfect timing, and that if He brings me to it, He will carry me through it.
While it may seem difficult to have faith to trust Jesus, I am here to say that it is worth it. If we allow Him to push us (even if it means pushing us down the stairs) to have confidence in Him, we can carry any cross or conquer any pain. The silence He gives may be difficult in the midst of your pain and suffering, but just remember He’s waiting for you to come outside the boat and cling to Him all the more.
So I challenge all of you, the next time you feel as though you are starting to fall into the waves, or even fear getting out of the boat, simply say “Jesus, I trust in you.”
ABOUT ANNA: Anna is a senior at the University of Florida and a student leader in the Catholic Gators campus ministry. Her inspiring example of faith has taught me and others to continue onward with perseverance despite the hands we are dealt. Whether she knows it or not, Anna’s bold witness to Christ in our friendship has impacted me and is one of the many reasons why I’m writing this blog. Thank you Anna for passionately pursuing Christ and sharing your soul with us!
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